D - 1 Rant

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. 😇 

Kalau macam sebelum ni, I will put the link of my entry on my social medias tapi for the time being I rasa I stop dulu kut sebab these days I may write about something that's bugging me for quite a long time, tapi I just cant find someone to talk to. Some that I can really rely on. So for those yg terbaca: 

Thank you - that means you're checking up on                             me silently. 

Sorry           - because you need to read my rant                            frequently. 

Congrats     - Because I dont open up to people so                          easily so you're the chosen one. 😁

So korang pernah tak rasa a period in your life yang korang memang down sangat? You passed your breaking point. You fall, but you are too scared to get up and fight back. Over the time, you develop a new side of yourself - I am currently in the middle of this battle. 

I realized that I had this kind of feeling in the mid of fifth semester (in my previous entry I ada cakap yg I had my mental breakdown during that time). It started from a small misunderstanding which nobody's fault. Masa tu maybe I yg terlebih sensitive so I macam terasa gila. Little did I knew, that was the cause of all this mess. 

Plus I stress dengan assignments jugak so betullah orang kata time tengah stress ni senang sangat nak jadi lebih tension and extra sensitive. I've cleared the matter long ago but it really impacted me negatively. I started to have nonsense thought. Constantly feeling sad and lonely. Frequently teary. My heart was heavy as if I carried stones in it. I wanted to cry so much but I found no shoulder to lean on. I wanted to be comforted so much but I found no hugs to warm me. It was the worse period of my life. Bayangkan I turun dari motor pun terus rasa nak nangis. Macam ada awan hitam yg ikut I pergi mana mana. Sayu je. 

To my surprise, since that time I developed a new me, the one personality that I assigned as my alter ego. The alter ego I wanted to hid so much. The alter ego which I hope it will be eliminated as soon as possible. The alter ego I keen to fight. 

Sepanjang pkp ni tipulah kalau korang tak pernah tidur lewat kan. I pun. And I hate it every single time. Because bila malam nak ke pagi tu kan, it would be the painful period for me. I am not me anymore. My alter ego taken over me. 

Alhamdulillah, I masih terjaga dari suicidal thoughts tapi the loneliness it brought tu memang buat I rasa nak nangis je hari hari. Kebetulan I selalu dengar lagu AGUST D - alter ego for BTS SUGA so dia macam kena tau. 

Tapi I puas hati sebab macam ok I am not the only one who is struggling with this. There's someone else yg ada problem macam I jugak. But I still feel empty. I need someone to talk to. Tapi I yg tak open up so I cannot expect people to constantly check up on me. 

I know its my fault. Tapi seriously, I really have no courage to open up. To publicly telling people "hey im not okay, pls help me. Pls talk to me. Pls check up on me." No I neither have courage nor trust.  I even hide this from my own family :')  Plus, I have a trust issue so that is why I dont really open up to people. 

I really enjoy listening to people. Because that is how I healed myself. I learned from their stories, I give advices - the same advice I want for myself. In other words, advising others is also advising me. But to tell people how hurt I am when somebody is ignoring me. How lonely I am because no one is reaching out to me. I feel like it burdens people more that it lightens my heart. 

I would like to keep this side of mine off my social medias. I want people to see me as a bright person. Constantly spreading positivity, spreading love. So I would be able to fight this side of me alone - by seeing everybody else living happily from my words. But I dare not to lie to myself. There were times I do feel like I am not being appreciated well - that is why I hate this alter ego of mine. 

I hate midnights. Because that is when, my alter ego is taking over me. Sometimes it kills me, sometimes I manage to win. It is really a battle between me and me at midnights. I am afraid to tell people how sick I am. I am afraid to show how weak I am. I am too scared to trust people because at the end of the day, I will still be a toxic in somebody's story. Its hard. It is really hard. To swallow everything up to myself. I am too scared to reach out. I am too afraid to lean on somebody's shoulder. I just, afraid all the time! :'( 

I watched BTS a lot lately to the point I hold onto this one quote, said by V. 

"We cannot fix you but we will be here to support you." 

I envy him for having  very concern friends. To have a friendship that anything in the world cannot buy. I envy him for having those bunch of friends who constantly asking him on how did he do today, why is he seems sad and etc. I wanted someone like that too. But I do know, I wont be having that kind of friends, forever unless I started to reach out. 

So telling you here is my one kind of reaching out. I am so much appreciated for your concern. I would frequently writing my fight with the other side of me. Wish me luck. 

Im sorry for not writing in bahasa much because when it comes to  a serious matter, I prefer to write my heart out in english. 🙏🙏🙏 

Thanks for reading. xoxo. Wish me luck!